Say What You Mean!

Have you ever noticed how people will go out of their way to avoid saying what they really mean? It's ridiculous. For example, constipation is no longer called "constipation;" it's called "occasional irregularity." And toilet paper is no longer referred to as "toilet paper" or "butt wipe." Now we call it "bathroom tissue." Another thing (although this might seem kind of insulting coming right after toilet paper) is death. We'll jump miles and miles around saying someone has died. They've "passed on," "been taken," "ceased to be," "demised," "expired," "given up the ghost," "kicked the bucket," "perished," "bought the farm," "choked on the super-sized burrito of life," "forgot to fix the leak in the fishbowl," "bit the dust," "sank the boat," and "eaten the boot."

Why do we do this? If you tell a little kid that their grandma "has bought the farm," then they will think, Oh wow! That's so cool! When can I visit?. By using silly phrases to avoid saying what you mean, you're actually twisting reality for someone into something it shouldn't be.

I know that a lot of these phrases came about so that you didn't have to say something "taboo." There are some things that just shouldn't be said out loud, right? The ears of everyone around you are just too delicate to comprehend what's really happening.

That is the biggest load of shit I've ever heard. And I really mean that.

After these phrases were silently elected and accepted by the general public, one might feel an obligation to continue to use them in order not to be rude. Let me tell you something... There is a fine line between Rudeness and Honesty. Often times the truth is rude and crude and there isn't anything you can do about it.

So here's what it comes down to: Would you rather be a liar and be polite, or would you rather risk seeming rude and tell the truth?

Don't get me wrong. I love manners. Really, I do. I love them with all of my heart. But that line again... It's a bitch. You should always say please and thank you, but if someone offers you something you don't want, then you can't tell them that you actually don't want/like it. You have to say, "Why thank you so much So-and-So for this lovely--er...She-Man Statuette. I, um, adore it!"

You can't be polite all of the time. If we were, then we wouldn't have any personalities, and we would all be living in this make-believe world were no one every dies or has opinions or has to take a crap. And we all know that wouldn't be a world at all (1. because it's make-believe, and 2. because we would all explode and die a horrible, messy death if we never pooped).

A lot of different cultures in the world don't use these stupid phrases that America has adopted. Granted, some do. But some don't. Americans are--no offense--prudes sometimes. They don't want to think about anything unpleasant, or anything super personal, like... well, let's not go there. My point is, America has deluded themselves about a lot of things.

Example A: You don't call people fat or ugly.
Case: Why is that? Well, because it hurts their feelings. But don't you think they already realize that about themselves. If you have to look in the mirror every day, you're going to notice a couple of things. Now, I'm not saying that you should go up to fat people and tell them, "Hey! You're fat!" In fact, don't ever do that; you might induce a suicide attempt. But if those fat people aren't really fat, then they must not be, uh... fat. Look, I'm just saying that by telling you're kids not to call people fat/ugly, you're denying that there are fat/ugly people out there.

Example B: Botox.
Case: I guess it isn't just Botox, but all anti-aging products out there. You use these to look younger. You are denying you're age. Aging just doesn't exist for you. It's vain because everything ages, and then everything eventually dies. That's just the way it goes. It's no use lying about your age, or getting Botox to look younger, because then everyone knows that you're lying, and that you're desperate to not age, to not lose your attractiveness, to not die. And it makes you look pathetic, like all other women in the Universe who do that very same thing. It's going to happen eventually, no matter how hard you try. Why are you fighting nature?

And finally,
Example C: Exercise bikes.
Case: Okay, I've been waiting a long time to rant about exercise bikes. Take a journey with me...

You go to the gym, or possibly that dank, dark room in the back of your basement that you reserve specifically for criminal interrogations, torture sessions, and attempting to shrink your butt by a couple sizes. You get on the bike, and you start to peddle. The bike asks you to select a program. You do that. Then it asks you to set up your personal info. Your age: Here is the first opportunity that you have to lie to yourself. Maybe, if you're sledding down the wrong side of the hill, you dial your age back a couple of years. Easy: just a click of a button, and you are now simply 30 years old. Next, Your Weight: Oh boy. I've even done this one. Repeatedly. In your mind, you're telling yourself that you really don't remember how much you weigh because you haven't used your scale in a couple weeks (or maybe a couple of months, judging by the cobwebs accumulating in the darkest corner of your bathroom, where the scale has been waiting). So, you fudge a little bit. Maybe you subtract, oh, I don't know. 10, 20 pounds? If only losing weight in real life were that easy. *Sigh* Anyway, you do the whole peddling thing, blah blah blah. And as you do this, you watch the distance that you've traveled. It keeps going up and up and up until you think, Hey. I'm really cruising!. This really bothers me. I mean, it really, REALLY bothers me. You've gone 5 miles on the exercise bike in 30 minutes. So what? What do you mean? Five miles is a lot! Yeah, it is. Well, isn't it a good thing?
Well, it would be if you were ACTUALLY GOING SOMEWHERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
It's so stupid. Just think about how many people go to the gym every week. Think about all of the miles they all rack up over the week, on all of the different machines. And just thinking about that makes me SO ANGRY! All of those miles are wasted. It's like taking off the wheels on your car (and propping it on cinder blocks) and putting a brick down on the accelerator. You aren't going anywhere, and you're waisting mileage. Does that make any sense at all?

Um, I got kind of side tracked there... getting into my rant. This connects to the lying Americans because you can tell yourself that you run 6 miles every day, but in reality it doesn't matter. You can go however many miles that you want, and if it's on an exercise bike, you aren't going anywhere. Miles were created to measure distances. If you travel those miles, then you are traveling those distances. And exercise bikes cheat you.

There. I don't know if that last one made sense, but I really feel strongly about that particular topic. Hey, if any of you out there (reading this, of course) have ever been in Mrs. Guffaw-har's (Definitely NOT a nickname for Mrs. Ma-har!) class, then you'll know what I mean when I say: I should have done my Opinion paper on exercise bikes. That would have made her mad.

I need to end this entry before I blow a gasket. Thanks for reading!