Untitled: Story of my life?

Hey guys. I'm not doing the whole school thing today. Playing hookie? No. Not even. I had All-state choir this weekend, and my voice is totally shot. I can't even talk. So because I don't want to walk around all day writing down what I want to say, I decided to stay home. No point in going.

But it worked out pretty well, because I am so far away from feeling responsible today. And if I went, that is exactly what I would have to do: be responsible. Ungh.

I have some profound thoughts for you:

I've been thinking a lot lately. And the more and more I think, the more it seems like I'm coming full circle. I don't know it this is a good thing or a bad thing, because I thought I was making progress. But if it's just a circle, then there really isn't anywhere to go. So what's the point?

It's weird, you know. Life isn't really the fairest place (uh... place?). Bad things happen to good people, privleges are taken away, people treat you differently, there's death for people who never deserved it, and life for those who should be dead. All that jazz, right? The sad thing is that you come to accept it, become numb to everyone elses problems.

I'm sure you've heard that speech a hundred times over you lifetime, whether it be from teachers, parents, Oprah, etc. But at what point do those words really sink in? When does it hit you that your problems don't really matter in comparison to some of the problems others have? And that they need help much more than you do. Or does it hit you once, and then you forget, and then it hits you again and again and again over your entire lifetime? I don't know.

I don't know if I wrote about this here before, but I came to the conclusion a few weeks ago that I don't know anything. Nothing. Not one thing at all. And that was when I started reading philosophy. I don't know anything because I can't see the whole picture. And I want so badly to be able to see it, but I know that's near impossible. I'll probably go my whole life being ignorant, and there isn't really very much I can do about it.

Where do you go from there? The next step would be to start thinking about the things you do know for sure. Is there anything? Any one thing that you absolutely believe to be true? Something that can't be questoined? Didn't think so. And that is what makes everything so confusing.

Last night I wondered if my behavior is strange. I would like to know how many other people I know have mini-epiphanies all of the time. Whether it be in Geometry, Science, walking home from school, listening to music, writing this blog, falling asleep. It happens to me all of the time. And when it does happen, it really hits me. It hits me so hard that sometimes I'm winded. And I don't know what to do, because often this little epiphany happens to question my morals or person or knowledge: all the things I want to keep solid. And especially if it's in public, I don't want to have a melt down infront of the entire student body at my school.

I don't know why I'm writing this all down. These are my very, very personal thoughts, and I'm not sure whether I should be sharing them so publicly. But when I started this blog, I promised that if you read it, you would get to know me. And this is me. I should just title this entry with my name. Also, I might be writing it so that I can see if anyone out there relates. I know that not that many people read this, but if there is someone out there who happens to stumble upon this particular entry, and they know exactly what I'm talking about... Well, even if I never know if that happens, there's always that smallest chance. And having that chance makes me feel less alone.

Sorry that this entry has been so serious, but I guess I'm just in that kind of mood today. Thanks for reading everyone. I don't think you realize how much it means to me to be heard.

--A.R.N.