Thinking

So, I told you that I have colored days, but that isn't always true. My days are either colored, gray, or nothing at all. I don't have a "nothing at all" kind of day very often. When one of them does roll around, it isn't a good feeling.
Do you ever have those days when you desperately want to be doing something, but you can't find the energy or motivation to go out and actually do it. That's kind of what today was like for me.
It wasn't a good day. Sure, I have sucky days all of the time, but none that are really bad. Not any more. But today was a rare occasion of one. I don't even really know where it turned; it was starting out as a very good day. Something just changed.
I'm so tired, and I've been thinking too much. I think it's the stupid monologues we looked at today in drama. Some of them got to me. And before that, we watched Hotel Rwanda in my W.C. class. It all just kind of built, until it was too much.
I feel kind of numb right now, and I hate that feeling. I've felt like that before, and it never leads to good things.
I don't want to have a pity party, though. I just want to share my thoughts.
I've been thinking about my life. About all of the good things, and about all of the bad things. Usually the latter I don't like to dwell on. But today, I just can't help it. It horrifies me, it angers me, but I don't want to act like a crazy person, so I just pretend that I'm fine. Like I always do.
But am I?
I've realized some things:
Bad things happen to good people. Why?
Sometimes it's the hardest thing in the world to learn from your past.
Some things just aren't meant to be shared or repeated, and yet you find rumors and gossip every where you look. Do you think that makes the subject of the gossip feel good?
You can't change anything. Once something happens, it's part of you, for the rest of your life. There's no going back, and all you can do is--as sappy as it sounds--move forward.
Sometimes people can't be saved.
Sometimes they can.
And then there are those who just. don't. give. a. damn.
Life's not fair, people get hurt, and they can't be fixed.

In the midst of all of this badness, which makes me want to sink into the ground and live there for the rest of my life, there is good, flickering just underneath the surface.
All of the support that you've built your character on.
The laughter, the things that taught you what was funny.
The love, that you need. That every one does.
Friendship. The feeling you get when you first realize you have true friends, and that they are loyal and would do anything for you.
Warm socks. (I know that this one seems kind of inconsequential, but it really does help.)
Comfort. Having you hand held.
The small things, the individual moments. The things that make you stop in your tracks, and just admire the beauty.

Are the lists even yet? I didn't want to make the good list much shorter than the bad list, because what would that say about my character? Nothing good, I'll tell you.

The second list made me feel a lot better, although it feels strange. I'm not actually feeling anything in the physical sense; this whole battle is in my head, taking its toll.
And that's what I do. I push it down, saying I'll deal with it later, and then "forget" and never consider it again. I purposely suppress it, and I hate that I do it.
I need time.
I need to sort things out.
I need to remember.
I need to scream.

I need to end this blog, because I don't want to drag you down wtih me. Sorry, but I really just needed to talk. Remember all of the good things in my list. Thanks for reading, although I'm kind of regretting that I ever wrote these thoughts down. I'm not sure if I want anyone to see this part of me yet. Too late.
--Kacie Renn